Welcome to a world of laughter and wit! In our fast-paced lives, a good dose of humor can be the perfect remedy to lift our spirits and brighten our days. Whether you need a good chuckle or enjoy the lighter side of life, this funny compilation will surely tickle your funny bone and bring a smile. From famous comedians to unknown wits, these quotes span various topics and situations, showcasing the universal appeal of humor in our lives. So, sit back, relax, and prepare to embark on a delightful journey filled with laughter and amusement.
Laughter is like a wiper; it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to have a clear vision as we go.
- “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” Dalai Lama
- “My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.” Unknown
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Abraham Lincoln.
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.” Unknown
- “I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” Unknown
- “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” Buddy Hackett
- “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!” Unknown
- “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” Unknown
- “Doing nothing is hard; you never know when you’re done.” Darynda Jones
- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?” George Carlin
11. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” Charles Lamb
12. “All men are equal before fish.” Herbert Hoover
13. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
14. “Life is hard, after all, it kills you.” Katherine Hepburn
15. “If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?” Kevin Pilcher
16. “Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.” Unknown.
17. “You come from dust, and you shall return to dust. That is why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.” Unknown
18. “I would lose weight, but I hate losing.” Unknown.
19. “I named my dog ‘5 miles’ so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day” Unknown
20. “I childproofed my house, but they still get in!” Unknown
21. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” Unknown.
22. “He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.” George Bernard Shaw
23. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” Unknown.
24. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” Earl Wilson.
25. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.” Unknown
26. “I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.” Unknown.
27. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” Unknown.
28. “I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” Unknown
29. “Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.” Unknown.
30. “Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.” Unknown.
31. “When life closes a door, just open it again. It’s a door, that’s how they work.” Unknown.
32. “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” Mark Twain
33. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.” Oscar Wilde
34. “Insanity is heredity. You get it from your children.” Sam Levenson
35. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’them later.” Mitch Hedberg
36. “I changed my password to “incorrect,” so whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say “Your password is incorrect.” Unknown
37. “Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.” Unknown.
38. “Finally, my winter fat is gone. Now, I have Spring rolls.” Unknown.
39. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde
40. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” Fran Lebowitz
41 “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” Ellen DeGeneres
42. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” Mae West.
43. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity”
44. “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” Shirley MacLaine.
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45. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” George Carlin
46. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” Jay Leno
47. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall
48. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” Damien Fahey
49. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” Phyllis Diller
50. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors”
51. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” Rodney Dangerfield
52. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” Oscar Wilde
53. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” Pauline Thomason
54. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns
55. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” Shirley MacLaine
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