The rainy cold weather in a foreign land wasn’t enough to change Lila’s mood. Earlier that day, she landed in the country her father had been living since he left the family when Lila was just a toddler. Now as an adult, it seemed so unreal to be standing on the same soil as the father she could hardly recognize and an only short distance away. Finally, decades of what felt like a mere wishful thinking, her long-held dreams were finally coming true. And the harsh cold weather on a continent different from the small African town she grew up on wasn’t enough to change the excitement.
In her hotel room, beaming with anticipation of meeting her father and half-siblings by the end of the day coupled with the pride of working so hard for so many years leading up to this moment, she was determined to present herself at her very best.
She had found a way to re-connect with her half little sister on her father’s side through the magic of social media. Over 20 years ago, shortly after Lila first reached out to her father for the very first time, he revealed that he had five other children: four boys and one girl named Dina. Dina was a pre-teen at the time. Lila soon discovered that her father and Dina shared a close bond, and as a result, she was the only one in the family aware of her reconnection with their father. Despite their nearly 13-year age gap and living on different continents, the sisters maintained a friendly relationship through letters, exchanging updates at least twice a year. However, they eventually lost touch and by the time they reconnected, Dina was in her early twenties.
Meeting her sister in person for the first time was also the experience of a lifetime for Lila. Prior to learning about her half-sister through a letter from her father, she had always wished for a biological sister. The first of her mother’s children, Lila spent many years praying for a sister, but with each pregnancy, her mother returned home from the hospital with a boy. All five of them.
Lila had called her sister the moment she landed and settled in her hotel room. They discussed meeting at a nearby restaurant. Deep inside, Lila harbored the hope that her sister would surprise her by bringing their father along. She had full confidence that Dina could pull off such a surprise. Afterall, she often boasted about the close bond she shared with their father. And even if their father couldn’t make it, they planned to head home from the restaurant together regardless. With that in mind, Lila packed all the gifts she brought for her sister and the rest of the family blissfully unaware of what awaited her.
As anticipated, the initial moments of meeting her sister for the first time were a blend of awkwardness and excitement. From the front desk at the restaurant, the sisters were escorted to their table, where they quickly dove into catching up on the time they had missed, sharing stories of what had unfolded in their lives while waiting for their food. After they were done eating and had talked about almost everything but their father, Lila, brought it up. As though provoked, Dina looked straight into Lila’s face and declared that their father had expressed a desire not to see her. She continued to explain that during the years of their correspondence, she had no idea they were related, let alone sisters. Their father had informed Dina that Lila was an orphan of a friend who had reached out for help. It was her mother who later informed her that Lila was, in fact, her sister, something their father also confirmed. In complete disbelief and humiliation, Lila stared at the floor as she pleaded for Lila to call their father so she could at least talk to him but to no avail. Their father consistently refused to give Lila his phone number, so after asking for it for many times she gave up. He kept all their communication through letters via his work address. Still in shock, Lila begged Dina to help her meet him with a promise not to bother him anymore. Though what Dina was saying sounded impossible, Lila knew her father was capable of saying that. Many years earlier, when she was much younger and wrote to inform him of an illness and needed help financially and also asked for his number, he replied with a very harsh letter. He insisted for one last time that the only way he was willing to communicate with her was through letters. At the time, out of pain from the rejection, Lila vowed not to contact her father anymore but years later, the strong need to have some relationship with him since childhood started resurfacing. Perhaps the need came from the fact that her father always admitted being her biological father or just a girl who was in need of a father’s love. She had prayed and hoped that being married and having her own children would take away that desire but that proved to be impossible. Even with her own young family, Lila felt like a little girl listening to what her sister was saying.
Lila struggled to come to terms with the lack of support from her sister as she urged her to leave the country without seeing their father. Her dream of having her sister help her meet her father was dashed. Years of hard work to meet her father only ended in heartache. Paralyzed with inferiority, humiliation, and shame, she gave a nervous smile not knowing what else to do. Lila couldn’t look her sister in the eyes anymore. As they sat facing each other, each sister was keenly aware of their father’s feelings towards them. The favorite and least favorite, or not even worth to be his child and considered an orphan. Lila continued gazing at the table speechless as she listened to her much younger sister talked confidently about her plans with her friends that evening.
Once more, using an online paid search tool, Lila stumbled upon her father’s number that evening while alone in her hotel room. Despite many attempts to convince herself not to call, she gathered the courage and dialed her father’s number, only to hear him confirm what Dina had mentioned earlier. Her heart raced as she listened to him on the phone. Without saying a word, she sensed the little girl inside who desperately needed her daddy’s affection for decades emerging. Tears were running down her cheeks by the time she got off the phone. With her back against the wall, she slowly slid down until she touched the floor where she sat for many hours. She knew it was going to be an unbearably long night and wondered how she could get through it. Too ashamed to call and tell her husband and children.
She couldn’t sleep a wink. Her mind went into overdrive as she struggled to make sense of everything. As though there was a logical reason out there to make sense of parental rejection after a lifetime of abandonment. Especially where that same parent is considered an amazing parent by his other children. She thought, her father harbored resentment towards her because he and her mother had only gotten married due to her mother’s pregnancy with her. As many thoughts continued to flood her mind into the morning hours, Lila concluded that whatever the reason was, it was apparent that her father didn’t want any relationship with her, and she had to find a way to accept that fate. In the end, she had to cut the trip short and return home with a broken heart and crushed soul. As she was grabbing things on the bed and stuffing them in her suitcase, she came to a devastating realization that there was nothing she could do to better herself to enable her to gain his father’s affection. Somehow just her existence alone was her own father’s great regret.
